


The Orb

by Roserandite



Category: Guardians of the Galaxy (Movies)
Genre: NSFW, about thanos's balls, john wayne's hairy saddlebags, please god don't read this, plus it's like 1 am, this happened bc of a horrid convo
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-05
Updated: 2018-06-05
Packaged: 2019-05-18 11:48:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,109
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14852181
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Roserandite/pseuds/Roserandite
Summary: i wrote this after the worst fucking conversation i've ever had. Please God It's Joaks





	The Orb

The sun was setting on an uninhabited planet. I don't feel like thinking of a name for it so we'll call it planet chungus in the bingus region. Quill sat on a log, eating his chocolate drizzled nutrigrain bar and listening to "We are the Champions" by Queen and day dreaming. About what you may ask? Fuck if I know.

While spacing out, Rocket had returned to the Milano, carrying a giant purple orb that was larger than his head.

Quill snapped back to reality as Rocket threw the orb down with an audible thud.

"The hell is that?" Quill said, mouth full of Grain.

Rocket took a step back from the orb, staring at it and scratching the back of his neck "Y'see, the thing is-."

"I am Groot." Groot Grooted.

"Yeah I can see it's a ball, but what the hell is it?" Quill wiped some grain crumbs off of his stubble.

"Quill. You stupid bitch. It's a /ball/." Rocket said as he motioned towards his own junk.

Quill's eyes widened as he crossed his legs, "WHO'S?" he shouted "**WHY** WOULD YOU TAKE SOMEONES FAMILY JEWEL? HIS NUT? HIS NARD? HIS-"

"WE GET IT. You would understand why, had you been in our shoes."

"I'M NEVER GOING TO UNDERSTAND WHY ROCKET! YOU DON'T JUST TAKE SOMEONES TESTICLE! ESPECIALLY IF IT'S THAT BIG! IT'S-"

"Thanos. It's Thanos's."

An audible "crunch" was heard as Peter Quill shattered the nutrigrain bar he was very much enjoying before Rocket showed off the giant giggleberry.

"What."

"You heard me. This thing came offa Thanos."

"I am Groot."

Quill started crying "Fucking, what?" he sobbed.

The commotion from Quill's oddly loud sobs got the attention of the other Guardians.

Gamora, of course, was the first to respond. She gazed at the orb with fear and confusion as it oddly large and she had no idea what it was. She then looked over at Quill and knelt down in front of him, ignoring the massive purple sphere. 

She placed a firm on his shoulders and looked him dead in the eyes "Quill, Quill look at me, what's wrong? Are you thinking about your mother again? Or are thinking about Kevin Bacon again?"

Quill shook his head, the shock from learning what this ball truly was sent him soul to the shadow realm. He was Spiraling emotionally.

Drax was next to come out of the Milano, with his new adopted daughter Mantis and her girlfriend Nebula.

Drax was eating a piece of beef jerky, he took a bite of the jerky and he looked at Gamora and Quill with just the general Drax confusion. God Save This Man.

Mantis was holding on to Nebula's arm with both of her arms and holding on to her hand. Nebula had her Robot Hand in her pocket and a toothpick in her mouth just for the punk aesthetic.

"What's going on out here?" Drax asked.

Rocket was about to have a heart attack from holding in his laughter. Jesus christ.

"I don't know, Quill won't tell me anything and Rocket is just cackling like the idiot he is." Gamora said.

Drax shoved the whole piece of beef jerky into his jerky hole.

"Quill. Why are you sobbing like a new born baby?" Drax said, slightly slurred by the unchewed beef jerky in his maw.

"R-rocket.... He...." Quill sobbed "He took it..."

"What? Took what Quill? Did he take your walkman again?" Gamora asked.

"Worse...." he cried.

Rocket was rolling on the ground, nearly dehydrated from how hard he had been laugh-crying over this.

"Why is your crabby puppy crying? Why is Quill crying? Are you all okay?" Mantis asked. 

"I'M NOT OKAY. THAT'S SOMEONES COIN PURSE RIGHT THERE. SOMEONES FRUIT. THAT, NY CREW IS IN FACT, A TESTICLE."

Gamora's facial expression dropped. Drax started choking on his jerky, Mantis stood there confused, while Nebula held her hands over Mantis' pure virgin ears. She didn't need to hear the word testicle because it's a bad word.

"Wh.... Why did.... Wait, why is it purple, Rocket?" The fear in Gamora's tone rose to unimaginable lengths.

Rocket sat up, wiping away his little raccoon tears. "Why do you think it's purple, Gamora?" Rocket said with a chuckle.

"Oh my fucking God" Nebula said, hands still over Mantis's ears. "Oh my Fucking GOD." 

Gamora clenched the bridge of her nose, her face scrunched up like a crumpled up piece of aluminum foil. "Rocket Raccoon. If you say, that this... Gonad. Belongs to who I think it does, I will wring your tiny little raccoon body out like a towel and use you as a throw pillow."

Rocket sat next to his quote unquote "Treasure", crossed his arms, and just stared at Gamora, with a stiffling laugh.

Gamora gently laid down onto the ground, on the dirt even, placed her hands under her head as if she was about to sleep, and just laid there. Unresponsive. The sheer amount of shock, at Rocket's unspoken words shook her to her very soul's core. Although Rocket hadn't said anything, she knew just what this was. And she wasn't here for that shit at all. And neither was Nebula.

Nebula released Mantis's ears from her grasp, she walked over the large purple cherry and punched a hole in it. Like a solid chunk of grape meat came out of it. Y'know like in the movie Kung Pow: enter the fist when he just punches a hole in that guy? It's like that. 

From miles away, a scream reverberated through out the entire planet. Oh God. Oh My God he's still out there and can feel the hole Nebula punched in his Lone John Wayne Hairy Saddle Bag.

"We need to get off of this planet and never speak of this ever again." Gamora said.

"Agreed" the rest of the crew replied in unison.

They hopped aboard the Milano and took off at warp speeds.

The crunching of logs could be heard. Christ almighty, it's Thanos Marvel!

Thanos held onto the singular grape that was still attached to his vine. He was crying.

He nearly stepped on his other passion fruit, he was thankful he didn't. But Jesus Christ, how is it going to work with a giant hole punched into it?

Oh well, he popped open his pants, opened his sac and put it back in as if nothing had happened to the seventh infinity stone. No amount of infinity stones could heal his shattered heart nor his busted ball. He will never be whole again.

Moral of the story? Don't fall asleep in the woods or a raccoon will steal your nuts. Your balls, even.


End file.
